(huge) life update

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Hi there.

It's been so long since I've written here, and so long since I've shared a life update that it seems almost humorous how many bullet points there will have to be. I've thought about this blank box a lot the past few months, but I never really had the right words to sum up all the things happening in my life. I still don't. But I do know how to make a list, so I guess I can start there.

>Steele & I were married on June 11, 2016. I have many more photos (and maybe some words) to share in a future post, but for now I will leave you with just one:

>We then took a 10 day trip to Iceland for our honeymoon. Iceland was amazing and I have so many photos that I haven't even looked through yet, so again, I will leave you with just one:

>I moved out of my YU studio space for the month of August (which was a welcome break.) I'm now moved back in and will be here until next August at least. I'm a bit of a loose cannon right now when it comes to art. I'm not working on any projects and don't have any shows coming up. Zine club is almost done with it's first year and I'll reevaluate the future of it in the next few weeks. Truthfully I don't have any direction right now, just a bunch of stuff I was doing that I'm pretty bored by, and not a clue where to go. We'll see.

>Steele & I moved out of our shared house in North Portland to a little one bedroom house in far SE. We are having such a good time setting it up and settling in. Even though it's a little further away from both our jobs, it's been amazing having our own place again and having a yard and a garage! So many possibilities. We're hoping to stay put for a few years.

>My best friend Julia has moved back to L.A. for the next year. It was an emotional few weeks while we were both packing up and getting ready to move out of the house right around the same time (I moved out a little bit before her.) I got to drive down with her and see where she grew up, which was so fun and emotional. I'm already missing her so hard and can't wait until she gets back to Portland.

>Still loving my day job as a florist. I've been with the company now for almost a year and a half, which is quite a long time for me. I still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I'm enjoying this for right now. When I'm outside processing flowers in the early morning (especially if it's misty) I feel pretty lucky.

There have been so many other changes. Some small and silly like finishing Grey's Anatomy, listening to Watsky on repeat, becoming obsessed with cake decorating. And some other big changes like my little brother moving back to Colorado, my Grandpa Herb passing away, and the loss of a really great friend.

I'll share more photos from Iceland and the wedding soon. I don't know what the future of this blog should be, honestly. The older I get the less I feel like sharing on the internet here. I used to come to this place as a journal, and I don't know if that's the right thing to do anymore. But I do love having the archives and having a documentation of my life, so I'm also not sure if I want to give that up. Who knows. If you guys have thoughts, feel free to share them. This is public, after all.

Trying to be a human

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Just had a little studio visit.
Honestly I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing right now.

Trying to prepare the next zine club.
Trying to finish planning this wedding.
Trying to comprehend actually getting married.
Trying not to freak out about the future.

And on top of that,

Trying to get into the studio.
Trying to understand what I'm making.
Trying to play.
Trying not to force it.
Trying to be intentional.
But not too intentional.

Then there's the more boring things like,

Trying to make sure all my bills get paid on time.
Trying to figure out what to make for dinner.
Trying not to eat coco puffs for every meal.

Being a human is hard.

in april

Thursday, May 5, 2016

I hung up a long shelf in my studio, six feet long, and a place to hold all of my weird broken objects. There are my broken cups, the broken glass from my french press, the tiny broken pane of glass from the frame that held a photograph of Carly and I. Then there are the dried flower petals, a stack of envelopes with an ink spill on all the corners, the scrap of dryer lint that's light on one side and dark on the other, the empty ink bottle with a ring of dark blue dried in the bottom, the hard little ball of paper–something that went through the washer and came out a dried paper rock.

These are the things I'm weirdly attracted to right now.

So the studio has been a bit strange. I've been here, I've been coming. On Tuesday Melina and I came in and tore everything apart and re organized. Now my desk is by the window, right by the window, and there is a scattered map of post-it notes on the wall, me trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing. I don't really know.

For the record here are a list of those words on the wall:

purposeless things

For the record here is a list of other things I'm interested in:

Photographs not being Photographs
Unreadable text
Objects as placeholders

studio update

Thursday, March 31, 2016

I made it to 15 visits this month!

I've been doing a lot of small experiments lately. Been using my instax almost every time I go into the studio. Been writing illegible things on paper and folding the paper up. Been drying out flowers, and putting water into glasses, and stacking books on ladders, and photographing the light and my face. (Photographing them usually together.)

I don't really know where it's leading. But I know that right now it's about loss and confusion and trying to figure myself out. (Isn't it always about trying to figure myself out?) It's funny to feel hesitant to write about personal issues on this personal blog, but I'm feeling hesitant. To write about something on this blog makes it real and important, and that's scary. Words are weighty and you can't take them back and sometimes you can't stop them from going.

Suffice it to say that I'm going through some sort of personal loss, and I feel a little like my heart is breaking. That sounds a little melodramatic without any details, and I very very much hope that I can come back here one day and read this and think that it was quite melodramatic and that I was overreacting. Until then, all I can do is make art and watch Grey's Anatomy.

Here are some snippets from the past month. Process work, all of it. Time well spent, all of it. The studio quadrant of my heart is full.

something broken

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Physical objects representing emotional voids.