the day(s) we got married

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Today is our four month anniversary so I thought I'd finally share some images and writing from our wedding. All the photographs are by Schweitzer Creative aka, our good friends Peter & Kate. The words are from right now and are a bit rambly and drawn out.

On the day we got married (June 11, 2016.) I woke up in my own bed, in the house I shared with some of my best friends and Steele. I woke up to Steele saying goodbye to me. He was heading up to our venue to set everything up with his best lady (Grace, truly the best lady) and groomsmen (Dillon & Ryan).

But really, before we talk about the morning of, we have to talk about the night before. The night before our wedding I was on the couch after coming home from our rehearsal dinner. I was finishing up writing my vows. I know they tell you a million times to make time for the vows and to make sure you're not the idiot writing them the night before. But I was that idiot. One of my favorite memories is running downstairs after I had finished them, busting into the kitchen to read them out loud to Julia. I needed to test drive them. (Which is a good thing, because the first three times I read them out loud I sobbed like a baby. Wept.) Julia was in the kitchen because one of the many many things she did for us was to bake our cakes. (Yes, multiple cakes.) The kitchen was a disaster area. The cake scraps were tasty. And the cakes turned out so wonderful.

During it, I think the week before the wedding may have been one of the most intense/stressful weeks of my life. But now looking back I can just remember sitting at the kitchen table reading Julia my vows and crying.

The day before my wedding we did a rehearsal up at the venue, Amity Vineyards. Our officiate (and my former professor) Phil drove up so we could walk through the whole thing. I was obsessively checking the weather, as any person getting married outside in Oregon would be. It was cloudy and I was crossing my fingers that it would hold out for the next day. It started sprinkling as we walked down into the vineyard. Then just plain raining. We decided to carry on, timed the processional, and started rehearsing the ceremony. It poured. And kept pouring. And everyone stood there and we all got completely soaked.

The afternoon before our wedding I picked up Ali at the flowershop to take her with me to get our nails done. While it's probably stressful in the eyes of a florist, it was so cool to see everything being done. I'm not kidding when I say that the times I felt the most calm the week before was when I was around the wedding flowers. They put me at complete ease. When we first got engaged I met Ali at my favorite Portland bar, Angel Face, and while we were waiting for whoever was meant to join us, I asked her if she would do our flowers. She did such an amazing job. My bouquet was the most amazing lush, wild, arrangement of the best smelling sweetpeas and garden roses. And another one of my favorite memories is noticing a little spirally curl that was in Steele's boutonniere during the ceremony. It sounds silly, but it kept me focused.

I'm getting a head of myself. Things are fuzzy from the morning, truthfully. It's well documented on this here blog that my memory isn't the best. I tried to write down as much as possible the days after the wedding, and I'm unearthing more little moments while writing this, but I'm sure there are many tender and sweet moments that are lost to me.

My most clear memories are from the ceremony. They're the kinds of things I can't really put into words, but I felt the most present and the most happy during the ceremony. Everything else felt surreal, like I was looking down at my body from above, like I wasn't quite able to be a complete part of the party. But the ceremony felt like the most real thing I've ever experienced. (Just writing that paragraph though seems so trite.)

We did almost everything ourselves or, more importantly, with the help of our amazing friends. We were lucky to have our cake, flowers, photography, and set up (and clean up!) come completely from our friends and family. We literally couldn't have done it without them. I laugh myself a little calligraphy and did all our paper goods. The day was beautiful–no rain, and while the sun was out there were a few moments it went behind the clouds. (What I was hoping for!) We served pizza for dinner (Food was our biggest expense, but I knew it would be insanely stressful to try to do that ourselves.) Steele wore a bow-tie. I wore a white dress with a deep V back, and a grey veil. There were candles that dripped like crazy in the breeze. We danced to "You Swan Go On" by Mount Erie, which is the song Steele sings me to sleep with.

It is a strange thing to marry your high school sweetheart. When young people in serious relationships say "We'll grow together" it sounds insane, but truly that is what Steele & I have done and what I hope we continue doing always. I feel at once that it was inevitable, and that I am very far away from the person I was on December 14, 2007, when I went from being an angsty teenaged girl who was always bemoaning her lack of love, to an angsty teenaged girl who had to learn how to balance her angst with the joy she gained from her new relationship.

I'm not a teenager, but I still have to balance my tendency for angst with the happiness I have every single day I'm married to Steele. Our wedding was not the happiest day of my life, but some of my happiest memories are folded up in the days before and the day of, and the days after.

The day after we got married we woke up in our hotel room in downtown Portland. We ate breakfast in bed (ordered for us by Julia, another amazing thing she did for us.) We headed out, hand in hand, married. We went and took a photobooth. We drove back to our house and we gathered our things for Iceland. Julia was in bed. Ali was asleep on the couch. Dillon and Carly were gone. Ryan drove us to the airport. We were married.

(huge) life update

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Hi there.

It's been so long since I've written here, and so long since I've shared a life update that it seems almost humorous how many bullet points there will have to be. I've thought about this blank box a lot the past few months, but I never really had the right words to sum up all the things happening in my life. I still don't. But I do know how to make a list, so I guess I can start there.

>Steele & I were married on June 11, 2016. I have many more photos (and maybe some words) to share in a future post, but for now I will leave you with just one:

>We then took a 10 day trip to Iceland for our honeymoon. Iceland was amazing and I have so many photos that I haven't even looked through yet, so again, I will leave you with just one:

>I moved out of my YU studio space for the month of August (which was a welcome break.) I'm now moved back in and will be here until next August at least. I'm a bit of a loose cannon right now when it comes to art. I'm not working on any projects and don't have any shows coming up. Zine club is almost done with it's first year and I'll reevaluate the future of it in the next few weeks. Truthfully I don't have any direction right now, just a bunch of stuff I was doing that I'm pretty bored by, and not a clue where to go. We'll see.

>Steele & I moved out of our shared house in North Portland to a little one bedroom house in far SE. We are having such a good time setting it up and settling in. Even though it's a little further away from both our jobs, it's been amazing having our own place again and having a yard and a garage! So many possibilities. We're hoping to stay put for a few years.

>My best friend Julia has moved back to L.A. for the next year. It was an emotional few weeks while we were both packing up and getting ready to move out of the house right around the same time (I moved out a little bit before her.) I got to drive down with her and see where she grew up, which was so fun and emotional. I'm already missing her so hard and can't wait until she gets back to Portland.

>Still loving my day job as a florist. I've been with the company now for almost a year and a half, which is quite a long time for me. I still don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I'm enjoying this for right now. When I'm outside processing flowers in the early morning (especially if it's misty) I feel pretty lucky.

There have been so many other changes. Some small and silly like finishing Grey's Anatomy, listening to Watsky on repeat, becoming obsessed with cake decorating. And some other big changes like my little brother moving back to Colorado, my Grandpa Herb passing away, and the loss of a really great friend.

I'll share more photos from Iceland and the wedding soon. I don't know what the future of this blog should be, honestly. The older I get the less I feel like sharing on the internet here. I used to come to this place as a journal, and I don't know if that's the right thing to do anymore. But I do love having the archives and having a documentation of my life, so I'm also not sure if I want to give that up. Who knows. If you guys have thoughts, feel free to share them. This is public, after all.

Trying to be a human

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Just had a little studio visit.
Honestly I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing right now.

Trying to prepare the next zine club.
Trying to finish planning this wedding.
Trying to comprehend actually getting married.
Trying not to freak out about the future.

And on top of that,

Trying to get into the studio.
Trying to understand what I'm making.
Trying to play.
Trying not to force it.
Trying to be intentional.
But not too intentional.

Then there's the more boring things like,

Trying to make sure all my bills get paid on time.
Trying to figure out what to make for dinner.
Trying not to eat coco puffs for every meal.

Being a human is hard.

in april

Thursday, May 5, 2016

I hung up a long shelf in my studio, six feet long, and a place to hold all of my weird broken objects. There are my broken cups, the broken glass from my french press, the tiny broken pane of glass from the frame that held a photograph of Carly and I. Then there are the dried flower petals, a stack of envelopes with an ink spill on all the corners, the scrap of dryer lint that's light on one side and dark on the other, the empty ink bottle with a ring of dark blue dried in the bottom, the hard little ball of paper–something that went through the washer and came out a dried paper rock.

These are the things I'm weirdly attracted to right now.

So the studio has been a bit strange. I've been here, I've been coming. On Tuesday Melina and I came in and tore everything apart and re organized. Now my desk is by the window, right by the window, and there is a scattered map of post-it notes on the wall, me trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing. I don't really know.

For the record here are a list of those words on the wall:

purposeless things

For the record here is a list of other things I'm interested in:

Photographs not being Photographs
Unreadable text
Objects as placeholders

studio update

Thursday, March 31, 2016

I made it to 15 visits this month!

I've been doing a lot of small experiments lately. Been using my instax almost every time I go into the studio. Been writing illegible things on paper and folding the paper up. Been drying out flowers, and putting water into glasses, and stacking books on ladders, and photographing the light and my face. (Photographing them usually together.)

I don't really know where it's leading. But I know that right now it's about loss and confusion and trying to figure myself out. (Isn't it always about trying to figure myself out?) It's funny to feel hesitant to write about personal issues on this personal blog, but I'm feeling hesitant. To write about something on this blog makes it real and important, and that's scary. Words are weighty and you can't take them back and sometimes you can't stop them from going.

Suffice it to say that I'm going through some sort of personal loss, and I feel a little like my heart is breaking. That sounds a little melodramatic without any details, and I very very much hope that I can come back here one day and read this and think that it was quite melodramatic and that I was overreacting. Until then, all I can do is make art and watch Grey's Anatomy.

Here are some snippets from the past month. Process work, all of it. Time well spent, all of it. The studio quadrant of my heart is full.